Suck My Kakarot
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: A pimp named Frieza is the most notorious pimp in all the universe and demands new recruits, which brings the saiyans to planet earth. Goku, however, has no interest in selling his buttocks to the forces of evil today.
1. Radditz Comes Knocking

Suck My Kakarot, by Mario Always Dies

 **Summary:** A pimp named Frieza is the most notorious pimp in all the universe and demands new recruits, which brings the saiyans to planet earth. Goku, however, has no interest in selling his buttocks to the forces of evil today.

Radditz Comes Knocking

Goku was at Kame House chilling with his pals, until he felt his butthole clench. A great evil was approaching.

"Aww shit," said Goku, beside himself with fear over this awesome and overwhelming power. "Gohan, go hide."

"But why, daddy?" said Gohan, but it was too late. Radditz had arrived.

"Kakarot, we meet at last," said Radditz. "Where them bitches and hoes at? Round 'em up on my ship in one hour so we can get the fuck outta here, son."

"What bitches and hoes?" said Bulma, preparing her gun and mace. "You're a sex trafficker!"

"Your bottom bitch speaking out of turn, fo'," said Radditz, laughing for reasons that went well beyond Goku's comprehension. Bulma, however, was beside herself with rage. Teeth clenched and trigger finger at the ready, she would fight for the liberty of her body at all costs.

"Excuse me?" said Bulma. "I am NO ONE'S bottom bitch. I am my own bitch, ready to pop a cap in yo' ass, fo'!" She let loose a few clips, and Radditz caught them all, laughing at her pitiful attempt to kill him.

"Saiyans have evolved past the use of guns, you silly ho."

"What's a saiyan?" said Goku. Radditz was aghast with shock.

"What's a saiyan? You're kidding, right? You best be playin', homie."

"Nope, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but you need to get the fuck outta here, or else."

"Or else what?" Radditz growled. "I don't have time for this, Kakarot. Tell me where the bitches and hoes at now, or I'll blast you all into the next dimension."

"There ain't no bitches and hoes, man," said Goku. "Get the fuck outta here. NOW."

"I don't think so. Bitch, you coming with me," said Radditz to Bulma, taking her by force. She'd dropped her mace in the process.

"If you want your bottom bitch to live, you'll pack my ship with the bitches and hoes you owe us. You got one hour. Peace out, brother."

"LET ME GO, YOU FREAK!" screamed Bulma, helpless against the awesome strength of Radditz, but still unwilling to succumb to his sex trafficking bullshit. She'd sooner die than be anyone's whore. Just like that, though, Radditz took off into the sky.

"Aww fuck," said Goku. "He's too strong. How the fuck am I supposed to beat him?"

"With my help," said Piccolo, who came out of nowhere. Goku frowned.

"No way, man. We're enemies, aren't we?"

"You want to save your bottom bitch, or not? Let's go, asshole."

"Why does everyone keep saying Bulma's my bottom bitch. I don't even know what that is," said Goku, scratching his head. "But if it's a fight Radditz wants it's a fight he'll get. I'm in. Let's go, Piccolo."

"Wait, daddy," said Gohan in tears. "Don't leave without me. I'm scared."

"Gohan, daddy will be right back. Be good for Master Roshi and Krillin, OK?"

"OK daddy," said Gohan, dejected.

"What? Kakarot suffered a traumatic injury to the head as a baby and doesn't remember who I am?"

"That's right, buster. He doesn't remember what you monsters set him out to do. He's not going to join your sex trafficking ring because he's one of the good guys. So you'd best suck it up and get the fuck outta here, if you know what's good for ya."

"How dare you?" said Radditz, slapping Bulma across the face. "You just a bitch. Don't ever speak to me that way!"

"Fuck you," said Bulma, spitting blood onto his shoes. "I'd rather die than submit to the nasty shit you saiyans do."

"That can be arranged," said Radditz, preparing to blast her in the face. She clenched her eyes shut, fearing the worst, until he powered down. "Never mind. My lord, Prince Vegeta, has been listening in on this entire conversation and has requested to deal with you personally. Your life is spared for now."

"Oh yeah, well FINE. Bring it on, Vegeta. I'm not scared. No one treats Bulma like a bitch. We'll liberate anyone trapped in intergalactic prostitution, you hear me? Goku will free them all, and you'll all get yo asses BEAT."

"Oh my God, SHUT UP," said Radditz, throwing her into his ship. Her piercing screams could not be heard from the outside. His sweet relief was short-lived, though, because before him landed Goku and Piccolo, both stripping themselves of their weighted clothing.

"Good, Kakarot. Looks like you bothered to get swole, at least. Yes, I can see it now. Women and men throughout the galaxy will pay top dollar for dat ass. The Ginyu Force in particular has a mighty thirst for saiyans. And a Namek? How... exotic. My lord will be most impressed. Bitches and hoes got nothing on this."

"Piccolo and I aren't fucking prostitutes, and neither is Bulma! Let her go now!"

"Nope. Lord Vegeta wants her, so you'll have to pry her out of my cold, dead fingers now."

"That can be arranged," said Goku, settling into his signature fighting pose. It was on now.

He and Piccolo charged toward Radditz and full force, each throwing punches at him and assessing the full scope of his power. Radditz blocked every punch, yawned, and laughed the moment they ran out of breath.

"Not good, Kakarot. You'll need more stamina than that to survive in intergalactic brothels."

"I'm not going to any intergalactic brothel, you piece of shit," said Goku, kicking Radditz right in the dick. The larger saiyan hunched over, sweat beading down his brow as Goku got behind him and grabbed his tail with all his might. "Piccolo, now."

"It's gonna take some time. Just hold him steady while I power up."

"KAKAROT!" a voice erupted from the device on Radditz's ear. The volume caused a trickle of blood to slide down his cheek. "DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Who are you?" Goku asked.

"THIS IS YOUR PRINCE. YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS LORD VEGETA. UNDERSTOOD?"

"Fuck no," said Goku. "I don't even know you."

"My lord," said Radditz in agony. "My tail. Your voice. The pain."

"DON'T BE A PUSSY, RADDITZ," said Vegeta, causing the large saiyan to quiver. "GEEZ, THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU GOT A SPLINTER FROM BEING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY AN ALIEN TREE."

"That tree hurt my tushie," said Radditz in a whimper. Goku was starting to get choked up as he realized Radditz was as much a victim as anyone else.

"Don't let go of his tail, Goku," said Piccolo. "If you let go of his tail, we're done for."

"GO AHEAD AND KILL HIM," said Vegeta, making Radditz wince. "I HAVE NO NEED FOR FUCKING WEAKLINGS. I'LL COME TO EARTH AND GET THEM BITCHES AND HOES MYSELF, STARTING WITH THAT BULMA. OH HER ASS IS MINE PERSONALLY. YOURS, TOO, KAKAROT. YOU HEAR ME? PREPARE YOUR ANUS FOR LORD VEGETA!"

Then the scouter on Radditz's face exploded and that was it. The saiyans were coming, and there was nothing Goku and Piccolo could do about it.

"I'm gonna fucking fire!" said Piccolo, ready to release his special beam cannon. Goku, however, felt his grip on Radditz's tail begin to slip.

"Just fucking kill me," said Radditz with a sob. "Release me from this hell."

"I..." said Goku, letting that tail go the exact moment Piccolo unleashed his attack.

"No, Goku!" Piccolo belted, but it was too late.


	2. An Alliance is Made

An Alliance is Made

"Now's my chance," said Radditz, pulling Goku into a full nelson hold. Completely immobilized, his brother didn't even have time to ask "what the fuck?" before Piccolo's attack blasted first through Goku's chest, then through Radditz's. The two saiyan warriors slid through the dirt, bleeding deep into the ground as they breathed their final breaths.

"Trust me," said Radditz, coughing up some blood. "You have to trust me. Kakarot, this is for the best."

"Fuck you, man," said Goku, also coughing up some blood. "I was having a normal life until your punk ass came along. Now I'm gon' fucking die and it's all your fault."

"Would you..." another cough. A wheeze. "Would you shut up! You don't get it. Lord Vegeta has chosen you and that bitch to be his personal sex slaves. Wouldn't you... rather be dead?"

"No! I'd rather- _ugh_! I'd rather be alive to protect her. My friends! My son! Ugh!"

"Haha, well that's just too fucking bad. We die- _ack_!-we die together..."

And with that Radditz's life flickered out with Goku's not too far behind. The kind-hearted saiyan laid in the dirt, counting down the seconds until his doom, feeling the cold hands of death pull at him, until Piccolo stood before him.

"You got played, sucka," said the Namekian, lighting up a blunt as he laughed at Goku.

"I know, man. This sucks. I'm- _cough_!-I'm fading fast here, bruh. You gotta... you gotta do me a solid, bruh. You listening?"

"You want to hit this before you die, don't ya?" said Piccolo, coughing as the sweet grip of weed turned his mind to mush.

"No, asshole. I need you to- _fuck this hurts_ -I need you to find Gohan and train him. It's the only way he can defend himself against Virginia. But... don't let him hit dat weed doe. Chichi would kill me."

"Sure, Goku. Whatever you say," said Piccolo, and by the time Goku died Piccolo was too high to care. It was right about then that Goku's friends arrived in an airplane.

"Where's Bulma?" said Yamcha, fully suited in combat gi.

"That guy locked her in his ship, or something, I dunno," said Piccolo, his eyes red as fucking Red Lobster. "Who fucking cares? Come hit dis blunt with me."

"Well, as long as Bulma's still alive, I will take a hit of that," said Yamcha, inhaling the blunt deeply and earning a smack on the back of the head from Piccolo.

"Boy, you ain't an important enough character to be takin' dat big a hit!"

"Hey, fuckwads. Did you fucking miss the part where Goku DIED?" said Krillin, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"You ever..." said Yamcha, and then he started to laugh. "You ever notice how dis nigga got no damn nose, Piccolo?"

"Haha, you're right. What the fuck is up wit dat, yo? Ma steal your nose and didn't give it back?"

"He probably lost his nose on the way to work!" Yamcha couldn't breathe, he was laughing so hard. "Oh shit. I should do stand up! Whose with me?"

"Would you shut the fuck up for once in your goddamn life, Yamcha?" said Bulma, having been escorted out of Radditz's ship with the help of Master Roshi. He was twenty feet back, bleeding to death because his wrinkled ass fingers played with her nipples. It wasn't her fault Radditz's ship was cold. "God, why the fuck do I keep dating you. You're such a geek."

"Come on, Bulma. I'm just messin' around. Piccolo brought us some dope shit. Wanna share with the lady?"

"I'm done sharing!" said Piccolo, pissed off. "Where's Gohan?"

"On the ship," said Yamcha. "He was whining about his daddy a whole lot, so Roshi and I gave him an entire bottle of cough medicine and told him it was juice. Now he's sleeping."

"I am definitely never having kids with you," said Bulma. "I have a new boyfriend anyway. He's a space hunk named Vegeta and he's coming to kick your ass!"

"He's coming to sell you into sex slavery, you dumb bitch!" said Piccolo.

"Oh please. Once he gets to know me he won't want to share. Now lets gather some fucking dragon balls so Goku can come back to life!"

"You do that. I'm taking the kid," said Piccolo. Sure enough, he took Gohan and no one cared. It was his funeral if he wanted to give Chichi child support for the little shit for the rest of his life.

* * *

Meanwhile, Goku and Radditz were taken to the check in station to decide whether they were going above, or below. It was supposed to be a cut and dry case, but then Kami intervened.

"These brothers have joined forces and request and audience with King Kai. Only then will they be strong enough to defend their buttholes from certain doom."

"This is a very un-Christian thing to do," said King Enma. "But not as un-Christian as space prostitution. Go! In Jesus name, fight those fucking fuckers! Amen."

"Woohoo!" said Goku, fist-bumping Radditz.

"My ass is splinter free and exit only!" said Radditz.

"And it'll only take like twenty filler episodes to get there! Last one there's a stinky monkey," said Goku, and the two raced up Snake Way.

* * *

"Hey VEGETA. How long will it take us to get to Ee-Arth anyway?" said Nappa, admiring his bald head in the mirror.

"Only like twenty filler episodes," said Vegeta, who had spent the past hour in the dirt laughing and talking to himself. "Dat ass is mine, NAPPA! You hear me? Lord Vegeta don't suffer no bitches and fools."

"No da fuck he don't!" said Nappa.

And so they set a course for earth, only beginning their conquest for dat ass.


	3. TURN DOWN FOR WHAT

TURN DOWN FOR WHAT

Only like twenty filler episodes later do we find our heroes Goku and Radditz nearing the end of Snake Way. Some gay shit happened along the way, like this one time Goku tried to eat some clouds, which not only didn't satisfy his hunger, but made him fart pretty bad for awhile and Radditz thought that was fuckin nasty, dawg.

They also made a pit stop at the Snake Way Brothel, where some sexy snake chicks fed them fried chicken and collard greens while stroking they balls and twerking for them on stage in thongs as thin as they booties was THICK. Goku learned the meaning of sex that night, and damn son, he hoped he didn't accidentally create some half-snake Gohans with some them bitches, because brutha ain't got no damn job and can't be payin' no child support. Supporting one kid is hard enough yo! At least Gohan's smart and can feed himself.

"Enough exposition! That's what those twenty filler episodes were for!" said Radditz. "Don't blame me if you asleep while they were on.

"Anyway, now it's the fucking end of Snake Way, brother. Let's get swole as fuck and take out them bitches. Got nothin' on us, Holla BACK."

"Sounds good to me, dawg," said Goku, and they hopped onto King Kai's planet and said, "YOOOOOOOOOOOO KING KAI WUDDUP TRAIN US MUTHA FUCKA SOME SAIYAN FUCKAS BOUTA BE PISTOL WHIPPED!"

"Quit yelling, busta. Do me a rap battle and we'll see who worthy of training."

"Damn straight. I'll go first," said Radditz.

"Kakarot, smack-a-rot!  
smokes crack like a crack pot. Don't  
got no moves like Masenko. HA!  
Cause you a fuckin' scapegoat! HA!  
Which why Vegeta made you his BIIIIIIIITCH FO'!"

"Oooooooooh snap!" said King Kai, fuckin' gansta.

"Very impressive. Now watch this," said Goku.

"Radditz said I had-itz widdis porking up my bootay  
Trees they give ass wag and take away my swa-ag  
Can't get no va-jay-jay except wit some bitch on snake way  
Check dat child support, oh SHET  
Dem bitches dey coming for you! OOO!"

"Oooooooooh SHIT!" said King Kai, fuckin' DYIN'. Goku was the clear winner.

"Don't pawn all them bitches kids off on me!" said Radditz. "Just 'cause I got a job and you don't!"

"Whateva. Who needs a fuckin' job when you Goku anyway?" said Goku, then his stomach growled. "I'm starved. Feed me, King Kai."

"Oh, just eat whatever's in the fridge. Too tired to cook," said King Kai. "Then get out here and get your bitch asses training. You're about to get in the middle of an Intergalactic Turf War, as foretold by the prophet of this tiny planet, Bojack."

"SUCK MY BALLS," said Bojack. "AS IT IS FORETOLD."

* * *

"Gohan, you fucking suck at everything you are and do!" said Piccolo, spitting in the young boy's face. "Now GET UP AND DO IT RIGHT THIS TIME."

"Yeah, well you're mean and your breath is kickin'" said Gohan, pinching his nose. "And for fuck sake, wipe next time you take a shit. Just cuz you a cucumber don't mean you don't STANK."

"Good, you're ready," said Piccolo, high-fiving his shit-talking young pupil.

* * *

"Vegeta, why are we going to earth again?"

"For the thousandth time, Nappa, for them BITCHES AND HOES. We'll make a mint! Also, Kakarot and Bulma have mouthed off to me for the last time. They're going to learn what stovepiping means and like it."

"Do I get any bitches this time?" said Nappa.

"No, Nappa. You're bald. Bald means no bitches," said Vegeta, cackling maniacally.

"Aww, phooey," said Nappa, spitting in a corner. Maybe he couldn't get bitches, but he'd sure get to kill a bunch of people and smoke some weed, and that's the next best thing.

* * *

"And I'm going to name our seventh kid Camisole, and our eighth kid G-string, and our ninth kid Boyshorts..."

"We get it, Bulma. You're gonna fuck an alien," said Yamcha, with a face full of sad. The weed done wore off.

"I can't believe how heartless you guys are. Gohan was kidnapped, Goku was killed, we're all going to die, and I'm still a bald virgin!" Krillin sobbed into the dragon radar.

"Oh shut the fuck up," said Bulma. "No one's going to die. Or at the very least no one is going to stay dead. Dragon balls, hello! And Goku's training really hard and got that Radditz guy to join forces with him. Also, I have the power to seduce Vegeta. He's my husband now and all."

"Don't you think things are moving a bit fast between you two?" said Krillin. "I mean, it's been like, what, twelve months since you last spoke to the guy?"

"When our eyes meet, it'll be destiny," said Bulma, with flames in her eyes. Then hearts crowded her from all different directions, and Krillin and Yamcha completely drowned in hearts.

* * *

Meanwhile, back on King Kai's planet.

"Your training is complete. Now get the fuck off my planet, you freeloading sons of bitches."

"Awesome!" said Goku. "Hey Radditz. I'll race you to earth."

"Oh please. Eat my tail," said Radditz, and the two shitty monkeys hopped and screeched down Snake Way, not knowing their max speed until they could hear shouting and babies crying from Snake Way Brothel. This is why a brutha needs to remember to pull out or pack some fuckin condoms smdh.


End file.
